Dr pepper saved me today. It kept my eyes opened as i drove an hour away for my kid to have an endoscopy. My kid whos healthy and doesn't have issues. the one that now chokes every time he drinks anything and sometimes eats food.
My radio played Jason Aldean as I drove through the misty day and cried halfway through my trip. What a lonely world this medical world can be. I feel so loved and yet so alone at the same time.
My thoughts race non stop knowing i have to do this alone. Not in heart but in body. I want my husband. I want my mom. I dont want to be here but I am. I joke with the drs and nursing staff and behind closed doors I shake with terror and fear. I wipe tears away and pretend its just allergies. I wore mascara today because if I wear mascara, i can't cry because people will know. This helps me check my emotions better. I cant really cry because if i really cry, i may never stop.
Shauns may not have a job to go to after today (which doesnt matter because we're moving) because of some selfish asshole whos never had any struggle in his life other than which expensive car to buy and which take out place to order from. They wanted shaun to come in at 3 for an overnight shift. He asked his supervisor before that if he could come in at 8 so he could get the kids to the sitter. the supervisor agreed but the ceo of the company pitched a fit. Yesterdsy shaun went in at 8am for a shift. His start times vary every day. He was told he would more than likely be written up and it was alluded to that he couldnt or would be fired over this. He explained the situation and that his other kids have had 3 different surgeries or procedures since working there and not once has he asked for time off or for any accommodations. This selfish bastard didnt care.
I would never wish this medical life on my worst enemy but i wish this boss could have something simple medical wise happen to knock him down a few notches.
I hate feeling out of control. I hate feeling like i can't breathe. I feel like i cant control whether i cry or not i hate that I cant stop having panic attacks. But what i hate the most is that Axels endoscopy appears to look fine yet we know there is issues and is following the EoE trend. Im tired. I just want to sleep....and give up. I do. Being a mom is hard. Being a medical mom is harder. Doing it by myself is overwhelming on both me and Shaun. This life is hard. One day, when all my kids are grown up, im going to look back at this life and wonder how i made it through. Right now im just going to cry a little more and invert a little more and do my best to be a decent person despite not wanting to be today. Dr. Pepper save my life and it also might save yours.
Dr pepper saved me today. It kept my eyes opened as i drove an hour away for my kid to have an endoscopy. My kid whos healthy and doesn't have issues. the one that now chokes every time he drinks anything and sometimes eats food.
My radio played Jason Aldean as I drove through the misty day and cried halfway through my trip. What a lonely world this medical world can be. I feel so loved and yet so alone at the same time.
My thoughts race non stop knowing i have to do this alone. Not in heart but in body. I want my husband. I want my mom. I dont want to be here but I am. I joke with the drs and nursing staff and behind closed doors I shake with terror and fear. I wipe tears away and pretend its just allergies. I wore mascara today because if I wear mascara, i can't cry because people will know. This helps me check my emotions better. I cant really cry because if i really cry, i may never stop.
Shauns may not have a job to go to after today (which doesnt matter because we're moving) because of some selfish asshole whos never had any struggle in his life other than which expensive car to buy and which take out place to order from. They wanted shaun to come in at 3 for an overnight shift. He asked his supervisor before that if he could come in at 8 so he could get the kids to the sitter. the supervisor agreed but the ceo of the company pitched a fit. Yesterdsy shaun went in at 8am for a shift. His start times vary every day. He was told he would more than likely be written up and it was alluded to that he couldnt or would be fired over this. He explained the situation and that his other kids have had 3 different surgeries or procedures since working there and not once has he asked for time off or for any accommodations. This selfish bastard didnt care.
I would never wish this medical life on my worst enemy but i wish this boss could have something simple medical wise happen to knock him down a few notches.
I hate feeling out of control. I hate feeling like i can't breathe. I feel like i cant control whether i cry or not i hate that I cant stop having panic attacks. But what i hate the most is that Axels endoscopy appears to look fine yet we know there is issues and is following the EoE trend. Im tired. I just want to sleep....and give up. I do. Being a mom is hard. Being a medical mom is harder. Doing it by myself is overwhelming on both me and Shaun. This life is hard. One day, when all my kids are grown up, im going to look back at this life and wonder how i made it through. Right now im just going to cry a little more and invert a little more and do my best to be a decent person despite not wanting to be today. Dr. Pepper save my life and it also might save yours.
I love you. I’m sorry you are alone, but I also know there are those beyond the veil holding you up and helping you. I hope you get some sleep when you get home.
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