Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Too tired

I haven't updated the blog in a long time...on purpose. In the last 2 months we have gotten no answers with Payzlee yet her legs are getting worse. What we did find out, is that she does not have bowed legs. Her bones are completely straight. We did a brain and spinal MRI only to find out that neither revealed anything at all, or so we thought. Our pediatrician said the spinal report was not 100% normal while the orthopedic dr said that because the report said normal it was normal but 1 thing may be concerning and her neuro friend will look at it. Yet 6 weeks later, we still can't get neuro or ortho to update us AND our pediatrician said that the imaging is actually missing 3 ish inches of her neck and the back of her skull. ..the exact part they need to check if she has Chiari Malformation. We go to see a Neurosurgeon on Friday where we will more than likely have to repeat her sedated scans. This frustrates me. No this INFURIATES me. I want to know why her legs are bending and she can't walk without falling and why she cries out in pain and holds her legs. I am so exhausted emotionally and mentally from Payzlee and Blakes medical. To top it off, Taylas anxiety has been getting worse. She did so good for so long and is now falling apart left and right. We have her in seeing a dr but it is a lot. Mylee has had some side effects from her spinal meningitis as a baby and we are trying to help her before school starts. We also are moving. We have been looking for houses for a month now and nothing. I dont know why the right house hasn't come up but it hasn't. We actually did find a house, and then it fell through. I am trying my hardest to get packed, but it is SO HARD to pack with a husband who is never home and continual dr appts. It can be overwhelming. Packing is a private thing, to me. I would never ask a stranger or people I dont know very well to come help me, nor will I let them if they ask me. That's a job for close friends and certain family members. Its just how I feel. Man im going off rude! I surely dont mean it that way. Today I am tired of being emotionally tired. I want a place to live before we move out next Tuesday. I want some stability for my kids. I want to know I'm not failing, because I feel like failure today. I feel like things will never ever let up and they will only ever be hard. I wonder what I did to piss God off this much. I want to scream and shout and cry. I want to sit and cry. I like to sit back and look at things and I often find myself thinking, life can not be this hard can it? Well, i am proof that it is. Life is hard. It is hard to be human. It is hard to hide your feelings (i do this 24/7) it's hard to look someone straight in the eye and lie about how great things are and how great you're doing. It's hard to ask for help. I never do it. Sorry this blog is a vent. Its how I am lately. I'm am too tired and I just want to explode. I will try and update about what happens in 2 days for Payzlees appointment.

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