The last three weeks have been super trying with Payzlee. We don't know what is wrong with her. She cries ALL DAY LONG, and sometimes into the night. If she isn't crying she is super cranky and testy and very clingy. I haven't had a normal nights sleep since she was born. She has fussed and cried through the night since she was born. I have spent more time in tears from exhaustion then anything else with her. I feel SO BAD for her. My heart aches because I can't fix her. My heart aches because no one knows what's wrong with her. My heart aches because she hurts and I have to sit back and let it happen.
I have never had patience. It's something I have always tried having, and it may even seem like I have, but I don't. Those days when i seem cool calm and collective, are the days when I am fighting back the tears the most. I just told the GI dr today that I am pretty sure I only come to his office to cry! Not having an easy baby plus mixing it with medical and other kids with medical have seriously taken the small amount of patience i had and thrown it out the window. Sometimes I look at other women at church or the store or the park and I watch how kind and patient they are with their children and I envy them. I want to be them. I often wonder how they have acted during their hardest life trial and if they stayed patient or lost it several times over and over like i find myself doing. BECAUSE of this, i have decided to write a NEW list of what patience means to me.
patience, is being able to hold back the tears long enough to make it through Dr's appointments even though there are 3 appointments that day and 1 is over 3 hours long.
patience, is not being as hard on myself; patting myself on the back when very small milestones are not even close to being made but are still heading down the right path
Patience, is hugging my kids
Patience, is letting my kids know that it is ok to cry and that is ok to pray when you are struggling.
Patience, is being so humble and grateful that you were the mom entrusted to bring these 4 beautiful and amazing children into the world and trusting Heavenly Father to help you get through each day with them.
patience, is being grateful that your child is alive even with the medical. They could always be gone.
Patience is relying on the Lord through thick and thin and knowing that through it all, He will help me and that our Savior knows exactly how i feel and will never leave me alone. I couldnt be more grateful for my church and what i believe. I feel like i am going through the hardest life trials that i have ever been faced with up until this point. My days are up and down between good and really bad. But i know that i am going through this for someone else and that, when the time comes, that person will be so grateful that i am there to reassure them that, in the end, everything will be alright.
I have learned that sometimes, when you run out of patience, you have to turn to your Father in Heaven and ask for help....not more patience, but enough energy to just make it through the whole entire day, and then through the night too!