These are my tubies.
Blake has a gtube while Payzlee has an NGtube. Payzlee will be getting the same kind as Blake has this week. As I try to create an atmosphere of peace with the anxieties of upcoming surgeries this week, I decided to take all 4 kids by myself (Shaun was working) to Stake Conference this morning. There wasn't supposed to be anyone but our ward there so I didn't think Blakes sensory would be worse than any other Sunday. There were quite a few more people then I had anticipated. We made it 1 hour before Blakes sensory made it too much for me to bare. While we were at church one of our friend's little guys wondered over to play with our kids. He's just over a year old and is the cutest little guy EVER. Blake tried so hard to get him to talk to him. He tried hugging him, waving at him, and talking to him. This little guy babbles and smiles! He's still in the "melt your heart by expressions" stage. Blake turned to me and said, mom, he doesn't like me. He won't tell me he does so I know he doesn't. I chuckled to myself as I looked my little boy into the eye and explained that he didn't know how to talk yet so of course he couldn't tell him how much he really liked him! Blake seemed very satisfied with this answer and went on quietly playing.
However, my mind started turning. Because I don't like to open up to people about all the things we are going through, most times I tend to just stay quiet or only talk about the subject at hand. I don't go out of my way to talk to certain people at church (most people) I don't sit by people and want to get to know them. I try to keep to myself because it's better then explaining who I am and getting the typical "you must be so tired" and "i dont know how you do it" responses. I'm not saying those are bad. They aren't. People care and that's how they show they care, by responding. I just hear it daily, sometimes several times a day. I have heard in the past that people think I don't like them because of how I have come off by not talking. They take it as I'm snubbing them off. This is where my thinking led. How many times have I come off with the attitude that people don't know if I like them, because I don't say anything. Now this post is not a "people don't like me I don't have friends" type of post this is more of a "trying to think like the Savior" post. If I keep to myself and don't ever share who I am, how can I bless those people who need it and how can those who need to teach me, bless me? How will those people know that I love (like as Blake said) them and want to know them if I don't speak to them.
In our last ward, they did something AMAZING, in my opinion. They had a rule. It was a "no sister left behind rule" every week before the lesson would start, everyone would look around and if anyone was sitting alone, people got up from their chairs and sat next to those who were alone, so that they would never be left behind, forgotten, or alone. So many times in life, we might find ourselves feeling a little less forgotten and alone if we would open up to someone and let them feel a little love.
Here is how my week ties in with this. Unless you deal with medical on a regular basis you will never know how alone you can feel just by entering a hospital or doctor's office. Until you sit on a chair waiting for your child to come out of a surgery/procedure, you will never know how alone you can feel in a crowded place. How the smell of medical gloves or guaze pads or iv poles can make you hold in tears. How when everyone goes to sleep at night and you're in the hospital room laying wide awake how empty the room is and how long the hours during the night drag on. I remember once when mylee was in the hospital 3 years ago, she had a neighbor who looked pre teen. I don't know what was wrong but I know she was often let alone as I assume her parents had to work. I felt strongly we needed to do something for her so we bought her flowers and gave them to the nurse to give to her. Mylee colored a picture and we wrote a very sweet note to this girl. Mylee was so happy to have served someone who seemed so sad and all alone. Not long after, the nurses brought in a few balloons from the girl next door. Oh mylee was beside herself! It's the little things that mean so much sometimes.
When we flew to Denver for testing this last September, Shaun and I were waiting for the shuttle from the hotel. I was talking with the girls on the phone letting them know Blake hadn't gone in for his surgery/procedure but I would call after we got done. Blake doesn't do so well with anesthesia. He has stopped breathing during it do a "simple medical procedure" with Blake is no longer simple and short. It is agonizing and long. 15 minutes seems like hours and the taste of bile often enters my throat before they can update me on his progress. Putting any child under us not ideal but for Blake it is even more of a struggle for me to do so. Anyways, while we Waited in the hotel lobby, this sweet couple sat playing with Blake and trying to distract him from his hungry tummy and fussiness. she was pregnant with their 1st child. They were in their 20s. She said she over heard me and asked about our story. I briefly went over things. Mostly my normal response when strangers want to know things. The girl then looked at me with tears in her eyes, and asked if they could pray with us FOR US. I was dumb founded. All morning I had been praying for a tender mercy; to not feel alone. I felt the need to open up to this young couple. I learned that they were visiting the hospital as well, as their unborn child had a heart defect that more than likely could not be fixed and their 1st baby would more than likely die. This couple was such a blessing to me. They reached out and blessed our lives and let us know that we were liked and loved, without asking for what I would assume, was a much needed tender mercy themselves. I have often thought about how Heavenly Father sends us into people's lives when they need us, and takes us out and away from them when they no longer need us. Oh how I am grateful to realize that I need to be better and I need to open up and speak and let others know I "like" them just a little bit more.
As I go in to surgery Tues and Wed I am going to pray to be someone's tender mercy. One of those days I will be on my own so as I will need a tender mercy myself, I will pray super hard to be someone else's first.