My Story

I have decided to start up my blog again. It's been a while!!! I will spruce up the pictures and stuff when I have time but for now I'm going to write because I need an outlet. I was talking to a friend today and she happily exclaimed, "I think I found your new motto!" Now I have been thinking for a month now what kind of motto I could have for this new year. She told me, "I can do anything for a day." after that you say, I'm fine right now but I'll let you know if anything changes. YEP that's my new motto!!!! We talked back and forth. I opened up about my resistance to letting people help me. It isn't a selfish reason and it isn't necessarily a pride thing. I have a hard time letting people know who I am because when people know what I am going through they feel obligated, in a sense, to help me. Now I'm not meaning or saying I think people tell me they want to help and then don't want to. I honestly believe that those who ask and offer truly mean it, but everyone goes through their own struggles and my life is more than some people will ever see in their whole life time. MY LIFE IS OVERWHELMING. MY LIFE IS HARD. But boy do I love my life. Boy do I absolutely LOVE being a mom and feeling the love in return from my 4 little stink pot children!!! I feel like when I let people in I overwhelm them when I allow them to help. I have felt this way for many many years; since Shaun was injured. My friend told me that she used to be the same way as me in a sense...It's easier to just not say who you are and overwhelm everyone else with what's going on, until one day as she was sitting in Relief Society and every week her president would get up and tell everyone how important their stories were. She would tell everyone that they had amazing stories and encouraged them to share their stories with everyone else. This hit me hard. I don't share my story. I don't let people in to know me because I don't want the burden to be on them. I had a Bishop tell me once that we go through trials to help others. Say what? I have to struggle so one day I can relate to someone else?? And then it hit me. One day down the road whether it's in 5 days or 50 years, there will be someone, or multiple people who will need me to be their rock or sounding board as they go through the same struggle that I went through. As much as I hate it, I have a few people who have struggled through trials FOR ME TOO. So I decided, after 4 years, to reopen the blog and share "my story". Let me start off with something more recent.... We started off last year in a good spot Shaun had a job we had a place to live and we had 4 beautiful children. I had just started home schooling and I was loving it. As the year went on, things started turning. That isn't to say I didn't like last year but it was a challenging one for sure! Blake stopped growing and so did Payzlee and our family made the very hard decision to go out of our comfort zone and change specialists. Our new specialist would be 8 hrs away. We prayed so hard to know if this was the right thing for us and we felt so humbled that we were given the opportunity to travel and find this set of specialists. As the year went on Shaun's job transferred us from New Mexico to Colorado. We felt so inspired to move. I knew we weren't moving for Shaun's job but that our family was moving to be closer to the specialists we had just seen. For about 6 years Shaun and I had said we wanted to end up in Colorado, to settle down for good, but we thought that was just a dream. We never thought we would ever follow through. Here we are. This place IS home. It feels like home. It smells like home. It looks like home. I don't know what I envision home to look or smell like but everything about Colorado feels like home. By October I was watching my son not eating and I started crying. no amount of bribery or pleading could get him to eat. Blake has Eosinophilic Esophagitis. Food is bad. Food isn't a good thing for him. I doubt it ever will be. When Blake was first diagnosed with EoE, we were told by 2 drs to never place a feeding tube....that if Blake got one he would have it for life. I cried daily knowing that we were headed down the feeding tube tunnel. I felt so alone. I know people who have, or their kids have, feeding tubes, but the decision to place one in my son DEVASTATED me. Just looking at Blake I would bawl. After a month of watching Blake starve himself I made the extremely hard decision (after countless nights of pleading with the Lord to make him eat) to call the dr and make the appointment to talk about placing a Gtube. Blake had a gtube placed a week later and it was the best decision of my life. That isn't to say it isn't still hard. I have guilt over it. I still cry over wondering why he has to have it. I know why but I want to know WHY. Payzlee is believed to have the same disease as Blake. We put her on formula and she started gaining her weight back and getting stronger. We knew she was aspirating (swallowing liquids and thin foods into her lungs instead of stomach) but we didn't know just how bad it was. Blake aspirated and she showed very similar signs. Blake was given a thickener to add to his liquids and thin solids and he thrived and did great with it! I knew the signs of severe aspirating were infections and respiratory issues. Payzlee had not had any of those so I thought she was just fine. Payzlee failed her swallow study. So much so that both thickeners (one thicker than the other) were both going straight into her lungs. Everytime Payzlee drank one of her 6 bottles a day ALL of the liquids were going into her lungs. We were not allowed to leave the hospital that day. We were admitted for an emergency NGtube. I was blown away. how could this be? I asked the dr. He said she was silent aspirating meaning showing no signs. It's rare to be as bad as her and not show signs but it does happen. We stayed over night in the hospital. As I lay in the bed I thought about the possible burden I had put on my friend to watch 3 of my kids overnight. She had never even seen Blake's feeding tube yet there she was hooking up feeds as I told her what to put in the machine. I cried. I thanked my Heavenly Father for her and for letting me put my guard down and ask her for help. I felt awful for putting so much on her. Yet at 4 am as I talked a sobbing little boy down to not crying, my heart was so full and so at peace that I made the right decision to allow her to serve me. She's totally going to heaven for that night!!!! We went to Payzlee's dr. appointment on Monday and we were told what she has is more than likely not Gi related but instead a malformation of nerves in her throat. Either they didn't form, didn't form all the way, or are malformed. She needs to have a gtube placed immediately. The doctor made sure I understood that this was a very long term thing. This would not be short and to put it nicely, it would be "years" with her having a feeding tube. It was such a hard decision to make to have a feeding tube placed for Blake. It took 2 years of praying and him starving himself for me to realize he needed one and wasn't going to change things on his own. Yet, with Payzlee I was being told this wasn't our decision and she would have it for years. Infact, with Blake we talked about how it's up to his body as to when it comes out. When he wants to eat we can wean him off the tube so could be months or years but it's not permanent. It will never be permanent. With Payzlee, we didn't have that talk. We had the, "this is a long term, VERY long term thing." I feel numb. I do. I feel mad that I couldn't make the decision yet I feel SO GRATEFUL and humbled that we have the ability with doctor's and medical equipment to keep my child SAFE, alive, healthy. This next week will be tough for me. Blake will have surgery on Tues. He has ,major granulation issues that we haven't been able to resolve (we have burned it 3 times with zinc oxide) so he has to be put under to get it taken care of. The doctor said it is far too painful to do while awake but he needs it done. Also they scheduled Payzlee's gtube as soon as there was an opening which just so happens to be the very next day Wed the 28th. I am terrified. Blake has had reactions to anesthesia where he stopped breathing while he was under (they had to breathe for him) so surgery scares me. I often wonder what kind of a person and mother am I. Can I do this? Can I make it through the very hard 3 days I have ahead of me? (Oh did I mention that I'm dealing with adrenal fatigue and have been for a few months now but I just now started taking meds to help my body heal??!) The hospital is a VERY lonely place. It's either too cold or too warm, it's quiet, and solomn and SAD. Everyone's always sad. You never know what kind of nurses you're going to get and I don't know about anyone else, but hospitals are haunted!!! So many people die in hospitals every day and at night I hear those people wondering the halls. IT'S CREEPY!!!! And I hate it. But I love my children so for them, I will lay in a hospital bed and hold them while they sleep as I listen to footsteps, and creaking, and random voices and doors opening! Next week will be hard but each day I will say to myself, "I can do anything for today."

Happy 3 yrs miracle baby!

Today I am humbled, grateful, and so darn excited that my miracle baby turned 3. Well technically she doesn't turn 3 for another 3 hrs and 15 min but still!!! She is such an amazing person. I was just thinking about how much more her birthday means to me. Mylee was born at 36 weeks at 5 lbs 6 oz and 17 3/4 in long. She was born at 11:19 p.m. after not even 4 hrs in the hospital. She was a blue smurf when she was born. She LOVED and LOVES to snuggle. She was my good nurser. I had the most amazing and positive experience with nursing with Mylee. When Mylee was 23 days old on Shaun and My's 3rd wedding anniversary she was admitted to the NICU at St. Lukes in Twin Falls. She weighed 4 lbs 7 oz at 3 weeks old and not one doctor in the NICU (there were 7) or nurse thought that she would live 24 hours. She was put in the NICU because the NICU is a sterile environment and they knew if they put her in the PICU she would catch something from another child and would die. She was so little.
This is Mylee at 1 day old with her sister!
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This is Mylee the day she was admitted into the NICU.

Mylee had a bladder infection that backed up to her kidneys. Her kidneys stopped working spreading ecoli through her blood stream and then spreading sepsis into her stomach. From there Mylee contracted spinal meningitis. Mylee was so sick. While in the NICU I had surgery to remove my gallbladder and lost my milk. I also worked extremely hard and got my milk back. Mylee loved having me in the hospital with her. I remember one time the nurse called me and said your daughter is being naughty and fussing for no reason come back and hold her!!! It was past holding time but that day I held her non stop for over 12 hrs!!! Mylee stopped her boobing as soon as I got there too!!! She just wanted mommy!!! Mylee had such a special relationship with her grandpa that passed and his wife until she passed last week. She knew them and talked to my grandpa's pictures every time we went to see grandma.

This is my four generation picture of my dad me my kids and my grandma.Mylee was so special to my grandma because she was the only great grandchild that she could hold. She would spend hours holding Mylee because Mylee was so tiny. I really believe that part of the reason she was born so small and stayed so small for so long was so that my grandma could have this opportunity. I also believe that she went through her NICU struggles so that she could bond with those beyond and those here on this Earth together. Mylee has taught me soooo many things. The one thing she continues to teach me OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again is patience. I still haven't mastered it! In fact she just got spanked as I am writing this!!! She also just beat her sister over the head. Oh she's trying me :) (i put her to bed an hour ago)
No matter how much she tries me I still LOVE to see this!



I looked away for 2 seconds and she had grabbed frosting and was diggin in!!!

I'm soooo grateful that Mylee doesn't have any major side effects from being in the NICU. The doctor commented at one of her last visits that there is no way that he'd ever be able to tell she had meningitis if he didn't know her history. She's perfect and in some things a little above her age. She didn't speak until a year and a half old and that first word at 16 months made me cry.

this picture makes me laugh so hard. This is such a TYPICAL MYLEE photo. Infact this is how 90% of our photo shoots turn out!!! If you can believe it this was only 20 min after we started it and all but a few were pictures of me and my baby belly!!! It's typical Mylee.

This is another photo shoot with Mylee that she didn't want to participate in. One day she'll look back and laugh as much as I do at these pictures!!!
She's such a spit fire and she has energy coming out the wazuu. I have a hard time keeping up with her!!! So here's to you my amazing 3 yr old. Grow more, learn more, and keep loving us the way you do!! you make me smile and laugh every single day. There's not a day goes by that I don't almost cry because of you being you. Your favorite phrase is "I'n my own girl!!" and you haven't stopped telling us that you're the birthday girl not us!!! Our lives wouldn't be complete without you!!! So here's to me making it 1 more year learning patience!!!!

If this paper doesn't kill me.....

I'll be doing good! It's my FINAL for English and I'm stuck at the beginning of page 5. I have to have 6 pages done.....I swear this semester is going to be the death of me :) On a lighter note I have registered for all of my fall classes! I'm taking a First aid/CPR class 1 night a week for 1 1/2 hrs and then I'm taking Intro to Allied Health online. Shaun took this class his very first semester of school. He said the class was fairly easy the only reason why he got a C instead of an A or B is because he had surgery 2 days before finals and was on painkillers when he took his final which affected his grade greatly. He doesn't have a horrible GPA just not a 4.0 so I convinced him to take summer semester off and with the fall semester retake a couple of classes hes gotten C's in due to surgery during finals week. Because of my charm and whit (that's what I'm chalking it up as!) he is taking the same online class that I am taking this semester with the same teacher.....can you say SCORE FOR ME!!!! He's already taken the class so there's helpful points for me and we can help each other with this class where we're taking it together! PLUS every teacher that does online classes does open book tests so WE should ace this class!!! woo hoo Cheree good thinking! :)

trials

sorry let me get my rant out first. It's kinda long. I'm sitting her just thinking. Why do we have trials? And when we say we don't want anymore why do we get a ton more? Seriously why do people say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger because I can honestly say I don't feel that much stronger after our latest set of trials. I feel depleted I feel worn out and more then ever I feel like I've struggled and barely made it out alive. This pregnancy has been really hard on our family. I'm 24 weeks and I have migraines sometimes 3 times a week. Bad ones, ones where I can't function and get out of bed. Up until a month ago I had morning sickness so bad I couldn't get out of bed because the room would spin. I've been cramping non stop with this little guy and it's been extremely hard on me. I've had to lean on Shaun which I feel like he's completely bent over from my leaning. It's been a struggle and I wouldn't take this baby back for nothing but I could do without being pregnant that's for sure! And I'm not complaining about the actual physical part of being pregnant it's more that it's wearing on me and Shaun and the kids. On May 1st of this year it will be 2 yrs since Shaun was hurt and we are STILL on workman's comp. The only difference between now and 2 yrs ago was 1. Shaun is in constant pain everyday. It never goes away yet he still tries to do everything he once did before. Most things he can't do but he tries at least. 2. The difference in pay. Workman's comp just decided a month ago to cut us done 600 bucks a month. That's my house payment. I just don't understand how they can do that knowing that Shaun is legally not allowed to get another job and he still has a family to provide for. It's frustrating. Tayla has chicken pox while Mylee is in waiting. That's hard being cooped up day after day with wild kids just wanting to play at the park and play with their friends that they can see playing outside. It's even harder to wrap myself around the dumb washer that quit working with a load of laundry still sitting in it. Apparently they needed to soak longer! However negative and ranty this may be I do know that we will be taken care of. Heavenly Father's not just gonna ditch me now. He's taken me down this path the last 2 yrs so I know he won't lead me off course. He's got something better in the end. (hopefully a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to buy me a new washer!) but until I get to the end I have to just follow him. I found this cute little craft block that i had bought from DI forever ago. It says Faith Makes Miracles. It really does. If I didn't have faith I'd be ok this trial would be harder then it already is, and trust me it's pretty hard. I had THE HARDEST time wrapping my head around the fact that there was suppose to be another baby born into our family. I struggled so bad with almost losing Mylee that it was "easier" for me to like our family just the way it was; mom dad and two little girls. It took both Shaun and I a year before we finally listened to the promptings of the spirit and got pregnant. That in itself has been such a hard trial for me. I KNEW without a doubt in my mind that Blake was suppose to join our family yet I knew I had to have FAITH to do it because without faith I would have been done having kids. Heavenly Father just needed me to be obedient. I was and although this pregnancy isn't starting off great I really believe I'll be truly blessed in the end just for having faith and being obedient. A few weeks ago in church this missionary got up and talked about the foot prints in the sand poem. If you haven't read the poem go here it's amazing. http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php The poem talks about how this person always saw 2 sets of foot prints in the sand. One was hers one was the Saviors. She said that during the hard times there was just 1 set and she had felt the Lord had abandoned her and he said that he hadn't that it was during those hard times that He picked her up and carried her through the sand. This is so amazing to me. I know the Lord won't abandon me instead He'll carry me through it all I just have to have FAITH that He will be there and help me.

Pumpkin Patch #2

We went out to Oakley today to the pumpkin patch. It was SO FUN. Our kids fed the goats, played with the bunnies (Mylee told Aunt Tauna Kay that's all she wanted for Christmas), we went on a hay ride, picked our pumpkins, broke pumpkins to feed the goats, went on a pony ride, and ate lunch at the good ol gas station/restaurant.


Shaun was teaching Tayla how to putt. It was soooo cute!





Mylee. This is the best picture of her I could get! little stinker!


Tayla is my poser! She loves to pose! If you say Tayla look here her posing side just jumps right out!


Me Russell and Mindy on the hayride

Shaun and the girls on the hayride

Most of the gang on the hay ride

Tayla's pumpkin

Mylee's pumpkin!








the girls playing and trying to feed the bunnies. (they were feeding them anything and everything and feeding eventually turned to poking but Tauna Kay says she's getting one for Mylee for Christmas!)

Pumpkin Patch #1

We went to the pumpkin patch a week ago. Our kids LOVED it. They both picked our their own pumpkins and did a small little pose for me!

Tayla starts preschool

It's been soooo longs since I've done any posts. Tayla just started preschool and she LOVES it. They have a color day every week. I've been making her tutus of her color. She gets so excited to go to school. It's so cute!