We're moving again; always moving

I have been wanting to write this post for a while but wasn't sure I was ready to write it. We are moving again. All I ever hear is, "you're moving again" (cue eyeroll) or "you move more than someone in the military". (cue my own eyeroll). So why did we start moving? We have a start to moving, it's true! Back in 2009 Shaun got hurt at work. In 2011 Blake was born. I remember the 4th of July right before his birthday (his bday is the 15th). We were getting ready to test him for EoE in Boise. I was terrified. Sure enough, the following week we had a positive test for EoE with Blake. My entire world crumbled. I thought this was the worst thing that could happen. I remember the dr telling me and Shaun to never let him go on elemental formula because he would never be able to take anything if we go that far, and that it's nasty anyways and we wouldn't want our kid to be taking it. I remember asking about feedingtubes to which this gi told Shaun and I to never ever agree to a feeding tube with Blake. That if we did, he would be dependent on it for the rest of his life....that he would never be able to come off of it. I was terrified. Why would I want my kid to have a feeding tube? ( um hello!!!!) So Shaun and I sat down and prayed about things. At this point, our home was almost in foreclosure. We were trying to short sell it but the bank was causing more issues with our CASH offer than we bargained for. We prayed about things and felt strongly that we should move to Aztec, New Mexico. I didn't really like the gi we had seen in Boise. He was very arrogant and didn't have time for us. I was able to find a gi in Albuquerque that I liked. We had a pediatrician first in Farmington but he didn't know how to treat Blake. I ended up finding a really awesome dr in Durango (45 min from Aztec) who knew what EoE was and knew how to help us. At almost 2, Blake was still losing weight, drastically at some points, and he helped us with formula and specialists. Out of the blue, Payzlee started having weird issues. The seemed to be gi but we couldn't find anything wrong in the belly department with her. We knew that we needed to go a different direction. Just when things started to get really bad with Payz, our gi in Albuquerque up and left. Quit without notice and moved to the south to his dream job. Our pediatrician suggested we look into Denver Children's. We were able to get paperwork, flights, insurance approvals, hotels, tests approved, and everything else we needed very quickly. Within 4 weeks we were sitting in the new gi doctor's office. I knew people who were on the waiting list for 6 or more months when we got in. I felt so blessed. I knew this was a tender mercy from the Lord. We went to a week long of doctor appointments, testing, and therapies. We knew we would be spending a lot of time at this hospital. A week after we got home from this doctor's visit, Shaun went out of town to Greeley. Greeley is about 1.5 hours away from Denver. The company he was with had an opening in Greeley and we decided to ask if Shaun could get transferred. I spent every week 3-5 days out of the week going to the hospital 1.5 hrs away. On any given week we had 10 appointments for Blake and Payzlee. Blake got his feeding tube in Nov of 2014 and 6 weeks later Payzlee got hers. This was so overwhelming to me. It was very hard. Shaun had been laid off from his job and was bouncing around from handy man job to driving job, pretty much anything to help us pay rent and put food on the table. I developed severe anxiety and panic attacks. I was going to every doctors appointment, procedure, and surgery by myself. I would sit in the waiting room and just cry. I wished so deeply that there had been someone to sit with me. I think this is when I became more closed in and really stopped asking for help and refusing any help offered. Our life is too overwhelming for those around us so we have learned to adapt without help. Not in a bad way but we have learned to make things work so that we don't need help other than a sitter now and then. I woke up one day after several middle of the night panic attacks and decided I wasn't staying in Colorado anymore. I needed to be gone. I needed a break from life. Shaun got a job and we moved to Idaho. I found out I was pregnant a week before we moved from Colorado. I was so sick. I had to ask friends to come help me pack because I couldn't stop throwing up. We moved in with my parents while we figured everything out. I need a break. I developed severe panic attacks and anxiety during my pregnancy. I was put on meds but it didn't really help. It got to the point where Shaun and I were trying to figure out our future. Shaun wanted to go to NDT school but we had no way of paying for it. It was going to cost us 10,000 to do school and with our crappy credit, we couldn't get a loan. He would also have to be at the school for quite a while which we couldn't afford since it was unpaid. We tossed around so many things and after much prayer decided to move to Georgia. Shaun was trying to get into an NDT school here that was local. Shortly after moving here, Shaun learned that the school decided to close and no longer accept students. We were devastated. Why were we here? School that's why. So what's next? Shaun started looking in to other options of NDT schools, and found a school that had changed a ton of their policies and procedures. They decided to let you pay $2,000 to get in vs $10,000 and the decided to change the hands on training from 6 weeks to 3 weeks, and you could now pay monthly payments for school. This was not at all like it had been even 6 months before. Shaun decided this online school was the one he wanted to go to. So now we just had to come up with $2,000. We prayed and prayed and talked with everyone we could to figure out a way to get the money to get into this school. We were at church when our bishop asked Shaun about work and school. Shaun told him what he had found out and what he wanted to do but didn't know how to. Our bishop told Shaun to call someone from the Stake and speak with him. There was a program to help those who wanted to go to school. You had to qualify for it, but They would pay up to $3,000 towards school. So Shaun started looking into this program and talking with this guy weekly. We were able to qualify for this program and they paid the fee for Shaun to get into school. We have had so many tender mercies while living here in Georgia. But I hate it here. I miss Idaho and I miss my friends and family. I have weekly migraines. I'm so tired of them. My depression, anxiety, and panic attacks have worsened living here. Shaun will be done with school in December and is guaranteed a job after graduation. The type of job he is looking at isn't local. It's a job where you can live where you want and he will work where they want. Yes it's out of town but the type of schedule will work perfect for our family. So we started talking about where we wanted to be and where we should go. Both of us missed the Burley area. We made a prayerful decision to move back to the Burley area to settle down. This. is. scary. We are literally taking a leap for everything. Just when we seem to start losing hope, we get a small tender mercy and know that what we are doing and where we are going is the right decision. So, why do we move often? Do you see a pattern? Had we not moved to New Mexico, we never would have found the pediatrician we did that suggested Denver as the place we should be, and who put a call in to his friend that was the gi down there that we saw. Had we not been transferred to Denver, we never would have gotten the medical help that both kids needed. Had I not made the decision to take a year break, I don't think my pregnancy with Axel would have ended well. Had we not moved to Georgia Shaun never would have gotten into school. There are soooo many reasons why people move often and keep moving. Did we want to move a lot? Absolutely NOT. But we have and our family has grown and been strengthened with each move. So folks, we are moving to the Burley area in which we will move only 1 other time and that's to move into a house that we will buy eventually!!

Dr. Pepper saved me and might just save you

Dr pepper saved me today. It kept my eyes opened as i drove an hour away for my kid to have an endoscopy. My kid whos healthy and doesn't have issues. the one that now chokes every time he drinks anything and sometimes eats food. My radio played Jason Aldean as I drove through the misty day and cried halfway through my trip. What a lonely world this medical world can be. I feel so loved and yet so alone at the same time. My thoughts race non stop knowing i have to do this alone. Not in heart but in body. I want my husband. I want my mom. I dont want to be here but I am. I joke with the drs and nursing staff and behind closed doors I shake with terror and fear. I wipe tears away and pretend its just allergies. I wore mascara today because if I wear mascara, i can't cry because people will know. This helps me check my emotions better. I cant really cry because if i really cry, i may never stop. Shauns may not have a job to go to after today (which doesnt matter because we're moving) because of some selfish asshole whos never had any struggle in his life other than which expensive car to buy and which take out place to order from. They wanted shaun to come in at 3 for an overnight shift. He asked his supervisor before that if he could come in at 8 so he could get the kids to the sitter. the supervisor agreed but the ceo of the company pitched a fit. Yesterdsy shaun went in at 8am for a shift. His start times vary every day. He was told he would more than likely be written up and it was alluded to that he couldnt or would be fired over this. He explained the situation and that his other kids have had 3 different surgeries or procedures since working there and not once has he asked for time off or for any accommodations. This selfish bastard didnt care. I would never wish this medical life on my worst enemy but i wish this boss could have something simple medical wise happen to knock him down a few notches. I hate feeling out of control. I hate feeling like i can't breathe. I feel like i cant control whether i cry or not i hate that I cant stop having panic attacks. But what i hate the most is that Axels endoscopy appears to look fine yet we know there is issues and is following the EoE trend. Im tired. I just want to sleep....and give up. I do. Being a mom is hard. Being a medical mom is harder. Doing it by myself is overwhelming on both me and Shaun. This life is hard. One day, when all my kids are grown up, im going to look back at this life and wonder how i made it through. Right now im just going to cry a little more and invert a little more and do my best to be a decent person despite not wanting to be today. Dr. Pepper save my life and it also might save yours.

Dental What?!

Yesterday was Payzlee's first surgery. She had to have a bunch of caps and or fillings done. She did GREAT! they ended up having to pull one of her molars as it had become infected. They stitched it up to make sure the hole stayed closed and then put her on antibiotics. She slept for a long long time afterwards, and when she finally woke up, she said, "mom! I took a nap!" I told her she was going to go to the hospital just to take a little nap. My heart felt comforted as I wasnt sure if she would understand what I was saying as she hasnt in the past. Usually when Payzlee wakes up from surgery she is very out of control. She is violent and screams so loud that I can hear her in the waiting room. She kicks and hits and within minutes, before parents are supposed to be back there, I am always brought back to help. Yesterday was different though. She woke up without even crying! She was so pleasant and sweet and kind. I couldn't help feeling like her reaction was my tender mercy. We had been told the wrong building to go and spent 20 min looking for the place so we were 30 min late and even after they called me, I still couldn't find the place. I ended up having to walk about a quarter of a mile to get to the correct place. I was mentally exhausted by the time I walked onto the surgery floor. But even as frustrated as I was, I could feel little Angels sticking with me and Payzlee with every move we made. Yesterday was very mentally and physically draining but it could not have gone smoother. For this I am so grateful!

Well, here we go again.

I have decided to start blogging again. Back when the medical hit the hardest, this was my out...this was my way of expressing exactly how I felt. I'm really struggling with those same feelings again and I think it would be really soothing for my soul to start this back up. In July of 2016, I found out I was pregnant with Axel. This was about 2 weeks before moving. I was so sick. Day and night sick I couldn't keep food down. It was such a trying 9 months. He came on Feb 3, 2017. He has been such a heart healer. He has hit milestones that Blake and Payzlee never did. He has been my best nurser and best baby of all 5. He has the BEST personality. I laugh every day because of him. He refuses to stop nursing. He's 15 months old and nursing is his life!!!! Just recently he has started choking when he drinks. I have heard it before but it wasn't ever consistent. It is now though. When he drinks from an open cup or bottle he chokes. From a straw, he chokes. Sometimes when he nurses he chokes. When his sippy doesn't have a stopper, he chokes. Sometimes even with a stopper he chokes. I know this scenario all too well. He is aspirating. This has been my life for the past 6 years. Blake and Payzlee have both aspirated. Blake just needed thickener for a while, while Payzlee had an emergency NG placed and shortly after had a gtube placed. She was then able to move on from no liquids to thickened liquids. March of 2017 we went off all thickeners. We rejoiced. It was such a huge milestone! I cried tears of joy. In April of 2018, we put her back on thickener. My heart wants so bad to cry from her regression but I just don't have it in me. I'm just too tired. My mind is too tired from medical and dealing with my own PPD and PTSD. Just recently we have found a dr who is trying to help Payzlee. She wants to redo all of her testing. I agree and I'm so grateful to have a specialist listen to us that something isn't right. I left that appointment feeling happy, like something good was going to come of this. It quickly turned to anxiety and despair as I remembered what all the testing meant and how much had to be done and how many times I would have to put Payzlee under just to see if we can figure out what's going on with her. Depression had set in by the time I drove the hour home. I cried all the way home and half of the day. I have spent most of the week in bed or on the couch because of how bad the depression has been. It's so hard for others to comprehend everything we are going through. I hate the sympathy that people give me or the "let me know if you need anything" talks. Let's be real. I'm not going to ask. I'm not going to call someone up who said to let them know if I needed something and ask for dinner, or ask them to watch my kids so I can sit on my bed and cry for an hour. It doesn't work like that and this is why. THIS IS OUR LIFE. This isn't a one time testing thing. This is a daily thing for us. A weekly, monthly, and yearly thing for us. This is what our family does. We are a medical family. I can't just call a friend up and express how I'd love a meal brought to me. First off, I just couldn't bring myself to do that. Second off, We have allergies. And that scares people and is overwhelming. I totally get that and it doesn't offend me. Sometimes I wish for the normal things that other people have....To just have someone pick up a pizza and drop it on my door step. But that isn't possible anymore and I know that. I know that When this testing is done, there will be more tests and more dr appts and more surgeries and more medical. There always is and there has been for many years. Asking for help with our family isn't ever a one time thing. That's why I don't ask. If someone helps once, then they feel obligated to help again and again and then they get overwhelmed and distant. I never ever want anyone to feel obligated to help our family. I hate obligations like that. This isn't their cross to bear, it's ours. This is our family's trial. One day, it won't be like this. One day, my kids will grow up and move out and this will become their trial. They will call me when they get overwhelmed with the dr appointments and surgeries, and I will be there when they need me to be. It's hard to be strong. It's hard to do it all alone. My amazing husband is going to school and working more hours than he should be just to make ends meet. We can't afford for him not to right now. But what I wouldn't give to not have to walk through those hospital doors by myself on Monday when Payzlee goes under for her first procedure. And what I wouldn't give to not be alone in a few weeks when she goes in for a sedated MRI. I know this kills Shaun about as much as it kills me. It's so hard to not be there for your wife and kid, but it isn't an option for us to have shaun take several days off in May and June so that I can be comforted while my child is back in surgery. All these old feelings are creeping back up on me. This is literally what I did in Colorado. Rarely was shaun able to go with me. I remember several times sitting in the waiting room praying Blake or Payzlee wouldn't code and just praying that someone would text me or call me or come sit down by me and talk with me. Too many tears to count spilled over sitting all alone in those waiting rooms, doing it all by myself. I remember praying for weeks and days before surgeries that God would send someone to come sit with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. It never happened. Not once. But I can't help but feel like I went through that to help someone else. And I'll go through this again to help someone else in my future. This week has been rough. This blog post isn't super positive. But It's how I am feeling right now. I feel stressed and worried and alone. So alone. Unless you have been here, you just can't comprehend how hard a medical life is. I can go from feeling great and fine one day, go to a doctor appointment the next day, and by the time I get home from that appointment, it feels like I can't breathe. It feels like I'm drowning and can't get my mouth up above water. It feels like my lungs are burning from holding my breath and that simple release to find air just isn't there. I feel like I go to bed, wake up, mix feeds, do school, and everything else with an on button. When it gets flipped up I do what I have to. And that's it. Medical is hard for me. Very very hard. We have had a year and a half break from lots of medical and now it is in full swing again. This is my life. It isn't pretty or beautiful. It isn't fancy and envious of. But it's mine and I am proud of these kids I am raising and I am grateful for their love and understanding when mommy struggles.

Payzlee

We got approved for a compression vest for Payzlee. It vibrates her chest and breaks up all the stuff in her lungs so she can breathe better.

First procedure of 2016

Blake had a scope done yesterday. Anything where Blake has to be put under is very scary for us. Blake likes to stop breathing while under, and bronchospasm too. The week started off with Tayla catching lice again from school...twice in the last 3 weeks. The school knows there's a big problem yet they laugh it off (literally laughed when I told them of my annoyance the 2nd time around) she was the only one effected but there is still laundry to be washed and folded. On Mon, i was an emotional wreck. I cried most of the day as i picked nits out of Taylas hair. Ok, we BOTH cried. Blakes procedure was Fri and I was overwhelmed. Things just werent going as planned. I was scared of losing Blake and the rest of my life caused my fears to worsen and nightmares to happen. But we finally made it to friday! Blake chose his outfit. I loved it! We got up before 5, took the girls to a sitter, and headed to Denver. We got in and got Blake checked in, and then waited. This cute little boy stole my heart again. He must have knew my heart needed to hear it, because ever 2 min he would say, "i love you mom" several times in a row. Then he professed his undying love to his girlfriend Then we gave him versed and he got loopy and HILARIOUS! So, we dont really know what is causing Blake's motility /digestive issues. We thought it might be a flare up with his EoE. To the naked eye, everything looked great! We will have to wait until we get the biopsies back to see what to do and where to go from here.

What We Can See If We Will Just Look

Last year one a rough year. So busy with 2 medical kids and procedures and surgeries, dr appts and therapies non stop. Thanksgiving was hard not being with family....we felt jumbled this year and that was a weird feeling we had never felt before. Christmas was hard. We didnt really buy our kids gifts, other people did. We have been trying to play catch up ever since shaun lost his job in May. He has had jobs since, but none that pay even close to what he was making before. Right before thanksgiving I opened my door to everything I needed to make Thanksgiving dinner. I cried, and prayed that whoever did this would know the magnitude of impact they had just had on our family. But more than that, I prayed for them to be blessed....to have what they needed in that very moment. I still don't know who it was, and I'm ok with that, but I promise it was not by mistake that thanksgiving dinner made it to our doorstep the way it did. Now fast forward to Christmas. Payzlee had been sick non stop for 2 months. I was tired, I was worn down, and more than anything I felt forgotten. I felt alone with all the trials going on. I prayed to see tender mercies. I prayed daily for a week for them, just to know someone cared. I really thought I was alone and there was no way Heavenly Father even knew my name. About a week later I had a crazy stressful day. It was another week full of dr appts and a sick baby. I was sitting on the floor trying to organize and fold laundry when there was a knock on my door. It was late, 8 ish ...and shaun wasn't home. I was skeptical to answer. I heard car doors slam and people running. I opened my door to find a HUGE basket full of everything I would need for Christmas dinner AND MORE. I went to lift the basket and almost fell over. That thing was heavy! My first reaction was to find out who it was, but as I went to go outside, the still small voice told me to leave it be....they needed to perform a random act of kindness without being outted, and I needed to be shown that I hadnt been forgotten. No one knew my heart that week. It was a tired mom heart. It was me, crying in the shower from exhaustion. No one knew yet here was a tender mercy. I brought the basket inside and sobbed. As was the thanksgiving day basket, almost everything in it was Blake safe. Thats not by chance, they knew...it was someone who knew us or had the means to ask someone who did. That in and of itself was something my heart needed to see. Things got even better a couple days later, a friend came over, handed me an envelope and left. It was random, and kind of weird, but I also didnt think anything of it, until i opened it to find a handful of gift cards to the grocery store and gas station. I instantly texted her through tears. She said her work had wanted to help someone who needed it this year and she felt impressed to give them our name. I could hear the voice screaming in my ear, "see, you haven't been forgotten". I was just a tired mom who felt so much desperation and failure, and aloneness. I was a mom secretly crying in the shower so I could put on a brave face for my kids and friends. I knew that Heavenly Father would show me what I needed to see and he did. But I wonder if I hadnt been looking if I would have seen? Yes i would have seen food on my door step, but would I have seen that it was a tender mercy meant for me? Would I have seen that most everything was blake safe? Would I have known that this is what I prayed for. Many MANY other tender mercies happened right before Christmas. Many teeny tiny things of friends randomly dropping things off...Erin seriously ♡♡♡♡♡....... or taking Payz because they knew I needed a break, or coming to visit, or allowing me to but in, and take over their nights...even driving them to their games on the weekends. Yes, driving a friend to a game has become one of my greatest tender mercies! I need her sweet spirit in my life. She impacts me and shows me more of an example of who I should be, when I am around her. She is my soul sister and provides me more tender mercies then I have ever seen. When I look around me, I only see tender mercies. T

October

It's been quite a while since I have written. Our summer was a struggle. We spent 2 weeks living in a hotel while waiting for a house. We finally got in to one and have somewhat settled down. Shaun has been working at a farm driving harvest for them. He gets about 1 maybe 2 days off a month. It has been so hard on the kids and me not seeing daddy. Payzlee and Blake especially have had a really hard time not seeing him. But we are grateful for a job! Payzlee has been able to start drinking liquids as long as she has thickened liquid so thats awesome! Today Shaun got the whole weekend off! He hasn't had a weekend off in a few months! I went to zumba this morning and then decided we needed to go hiking! So I called up my friend and we loaded the kids up and went to Devil's Backbone and went up key hole trail. I forget how hard it is to be "normal" and do normal family things. The trail wasnt super long. It was a bit challenging but mostly because there were rocks and uneven surfaces. Blake did pretty good half of the way up. He needed some breaks and was a bit tired. I carried him a little up to the top and we took some pictures! This one kills me! Blue turned as we went to take the picture so blake is hugging blues rearend! On the way back I carried blake 95% of the way. It was a mile or so long. It gave me time to think about how grateful I am that he tries. He has chronic fatigue yet he still pushed and tried and did awesome. It was challenging carrying 30 lbs down the trail but I am so grateful to be his mom! I wish things were different, that he could run and jump and play on trails like his friend was. I have to keep remembering this is our new normal. Our new normal will not ever be different, but I have to try...i have to try to do something normal sometimes, even if that means I will be carrying 30 lbs in my arms, on my back, and on my shoulders for an hour or two or three while he sleeps or is too tired to continue on. I feel so humbled by carrying him. It's what the Savior does for us when we stumble and fall and can't continue on. Its such a selfless act of love that may leave our neck and backs sore and hurting, but its done 100% out of love. href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSZYPtc7YTBkCfeXEB0RKDjBgXMf9dBIl5Z0WxBvDE5HvNVTP2leunUDlaeMsas1WLhm2C_Rm0o6QQHwGrqJ5K8Yc-MgbUiRwqwTQfVw8mj9H8grJkRNQjuM_HRGFjF7HaJRpHnW_oHRjs/s1600/20151017_122155.jpg" imageanchor="1" > On a side note....holy hotness ♡♡♡♡

Too tired

I haven't updated the blog in a long time...on purpose. In the last 2 months we have gotten no answers with Payzlee yet her legs are getting worse. What we did find out, is that she does not have bowed legs. Her bones are completely straight. We did a brain and spinal MRI only to find out that neither revealed anything at all, or so we thought. Our pediatrician said the spinal report was not 100% normal while the orthopedic dr said that because the report said normal it was normal but 1 thing may be concerning and her neuro friend will look at it. Yet 6 weeks later, we still can't get neuro or ortho to update us AND our pediatrician said that the imaging is actually missing 3 ish inches of her neck and the back of her skull. ..the exact part they need to check if she has Chiari Malformation. We go to see a Neurosurgeon on Friday where we will more than likely have to repeat her sedated scans. This frustrates me. No this INFURIATES me. I want to know why her legs are bending and she can't walk without falling and why she cries out in pain and holds her legs. I am so exhausted emotionally and mentally from Payzlee and Blakes medical. To top it off, Taylas anxiety has been getting worse. She did so good for so long and is now falling apart left and right. We have her in seeing a dr but it is a lot. Mylee has had some side effects from her spinal meningitis as a baby and we are trying to help her before school starts. We also are moving. We have been looking for houses for a month now and nothing. I dont know why the right house hasn't come up but it hasn't. We actually did find a house, and then it fell through. I am trying my hardest to get packed, but it is SO HARD to pack with a husband who is never home and continual dr appts. It can be overwhelming. Packing is a private thing, to me. I would never ask a stranger or people I dont know very well to come help me, nor will I let them if they ask me. That's a job for close friends and certain family members. Its just how I feel. Man im going off rude! I surely dont mean it that way. Today I am tired of being emotionally tired. I want a place to live before we move out next Tuesday. I want some stability for my kids. I want to know I'm not failing, because I feel like failure today. I feel like things will never ever let up and they will only ever be hard. I wonder what I did to piss God off this much. I want to scream and shout and cry. I want to sit and cry. I like to sit back and look at things and I often find myself thinking, life can not be this hard can it? Well, i am proof that it is. Life is hard. It is hard to be human. It is hard to hide your feelings (i do this 24/7) it's hard to look someone straight in the eye and lie about how great things are and how great you're doing. It's hard to ask for help. I never do it. Sorry this blog is a vent. Its how I am lately. I'm am too tired and I just want to explode. I will try and update about what happens in 2 days for Payzlees appointment.

My Myter box!

Mylee has always been close to the Spirit. I knew it when she was a baby. Every time I picked her up she radiated Heaven. I can't explain it, I just knew she was such a special little girl. Today I got asked if I would sub her primary class. It had been a super rough morning with Blake and his motility and sensory and I was actually thinking I wasn't going to go to church. Shaun was on call and already out in the field so I figured I could stay home and send the older girls with someone else to church. I wanted to go to church but I figured it would be more of a fight with Blake TO GO than to stay home. And then I got the message. After thinking for a min, I decided I could make it work. Blake and Payzlee could just come to class with me and it would all work out fine. Payzlee won't stay in nursery unless Shaun or I are in there. About an hour before we had to leave, Shaun comes home. We went to church AND I had help!!! SCORE!!! After Sacrament meeting, I pawned a very tired Payzlee off on Shaun and headed to primary with a cranky 3 year old. He was horrid. I lost my cool and left him with daddy as well. While I was sitting in primary, I decided to silently watch Mylee. The pianist was playing the song, Did You Think To Pray along with a few other primary songs. They told the kids to hum the song if they knew it instead of talking. Mylee sang the words. She was off key and slower than the tempo but the Spirit was SO STRONG with her singing. Mylee loves to sing, she always has! I love it. She has been criticized before by countless people but I have found that it is one of Mylee's greatest gifts. If you just sit and listen to her sing, you can feel the Spirit radiate off of her and, I, have been able to see a small glimpse into just how special of a spirit Mylee really is. Every time I sub for her class she gets super clingy. She doesn't like to participate and she hangs on me. I tried to show affection today even though it was hard with her hanging on me. I hugged her several times and encouraged her to participate. During singing time, I looked over and Mylee was singing each word to every song. She knows her primary songs and she LOVES primary. She has such an amazing teacher as well! Around the time that Mylee turned 3, when we would go to church, instead of singing the hymns, she would sing whatever song she could think of at that moment. I told her to sing the primary songs. I told her it didn't matter if it was the song we were singing as long as it was a primary song. I remember sitting in Sacrament meeting and singing a song and looking over at Mylee who would stand on the bench and sing I Am a Child of God as loud as she possibly could because it was the only primary song she knew all of the words to. My heart is full with Mylee in my life. She is so beautiful and so smart. She is funny and she teaches my heart to have patience. She also teaches me that it is ok to cry over the small and stupid stuff. My life would not be nearly as blessed and this wonderful had Mylee died when she was a baby. I am so grateful for this amazing girl. She is going to do great things in her life and she is going to bring many people to the gospel. She tries to share her testimony every chance she can with anyone willing to listen. She is such a great example to me!

Tayla Renee'

I need to rave on this girl for a bit. A month or so ago, I was having a super rushed and emotional day. I had 3 dr appts at the hospital and all 4 kids and I was running late and NOTHING was going right. It actually may have been a Monday, I can't remember exactly. It felt like a Monday so does it really matter if it was or wasn't LOL! I went to one appt for Mylee and while I was in the appointment, Payzlee had a dirty diaper and they called me but my phone never rang. They needed me down there ASAP to change her but I couldn't leave. The nurse had just started skin prick testing on Mylee and we had to wait for 15 min. I wasn't concerned about Payzlee, she would be ok for the rest of the 10 min it would take to finish the testing. The problem was, they called twice without my phone ringing and they didn't leave a phone number. I had the nurse try and find the number and eventually she did. That being said I RUSHED out of the appointment without asking for all of the information I needed, and literally RAN across the hospital to the daycare to change Payzlee. The daycare is run by volunteers and closes from 12-1 so they can take lunch. The gal LOVES my kids so she didnt mind that I was almost 10 min late. oopps!! Our next appointment wasn't til 1 which was perfect timing for us to start lunch. Before we left for the day, I had asked Tayla to make some sandwiches for everyone. Food is expensive to buy and I just didn't feel like spending the money on some unnecessary. So Tayla had made everyone sandwhiches and packaged them up and put them in our big bag. I didn't look at them, she just told me what she had made. I decided to let everyone get a bag of chips and I was going to slowly suck down a big Dr. Pepper as I could already feel my head pounding and tears hitting my eyes. A Dr. Pepper was DEFINITELY going to cure this. (ha ha right?!) So we fought the insane crowd in the cafeteria, stood in line for what felt like FOREVER, and then FINALLY headed off to find a some what quiet place to eat. I found a few sofa chairs with a small round table in the center of them all. It was next to the windows and the sunshine was pouring in. I actually thought it was my tender mercy for the day. It was the PERFECT spot and only 2 people were within 20 feet of us. We walked over to the area, I sat my drink and our lunches on the table, and started to unpack Payzlee from the wagon. As I did, Blake, who had been jumping and bouncing and acting like a regular 3 year old who doesn't want to listen, hit the edge of the small round table and dumped the whole thing. My pop went everywhere. I ran to get napkins. I sopped up what I could and ran to get more. At this point, I was so frustrated with the day that I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, But I told myself to suck it up, that I could cry on the long drive home from the hospital. most of my beloved pop was on the floor. At this point I didn't feel much like eating, but I knew I hadn't eaten breakfast and the 3 hr long appointment I had next was VERY important and I needed to not be dizzy during it and I needed to be able to think clearly and be able to comprehend and filter through everything being said and asked of me. I grabbed my sandwich and opened it up only to find this.... At this point I lost it. I sobbed. I didn't know what to do but hug Tayla. She had written every single person a note saying the same thing but with their name in it. This spot wasn't my tender mercy TAYLA was my tender mercy. I don't know how she knew but she did. She knew I needed to read these sweet words and she knew that I needed to "feel" loved. She has such a tremendously big heart and she listens to the Spirit often. The rest of the day didn't go great, but I felt that peace in my heart and it felt easier as I walked in 10 min late to our appointment (the effects of me being late for the volunteers lunch and then needing to drop my kids off with them again for the next appt) Tayla has a heart of gold. She is much smarter for her age and she is way too mature for her age. She picks up on things so quickly. She asked if she could learn how to hook and unhook Blake and Payzlee's extensions on the gtube. She picked it up in ONE time. I tell all of my sitters to talk to her if they get stuck. I didn't teach her any of the troubleshooting stuff, she heard the alarm and decided to fix it herself. She is just like her daddy in that area. I can't begin to express how proud I am of her. Words will never fully explain just how proud of her I am and how much I love her. Today while sitting in primary, Tayla slipped me this note.

Who doesn't like some s'mores?!

So I decided we needed to do some s'mores yesterday! The kids wanted these JUMBO marshmallows and of course I couldn't say no. Let them be little right?!! ok so it was rainy and Shaun was working and the bbq is still in the garage, so I decided to just bake these s'mores! They started like this Then they toasted and looked like this This was the ending result I got some of the CUTEST pictures of my kids! I LOVE these 4 angels. They mean everything to me.My favorite shot is the one I got of Payzlee trying to lick the mellows off her cheek!!!